If you’re blessed to still have your father or a father figure in your life, then you’ve probably been trying to figure out what gift to get him for Father’s Day. There are ties, fishing trips, brunch at the beach and tons of cool gadgets.
But if your father is getting up there age-wise, then maybe it’s time to think outside the box and get your dad something he really needs — like peace of mind or extra help.
Richard Barid, a local attorney who specializes in estate planning and elder law, said it’s his job to help people find the right tools to deal with the uncomfortable things we don’t like to talk about that come with getting older.
“So we’re talking about wills, powers of attorney, trusts, health care directives, HIPPA authorizations,” he said.
Sure, no one wants to think about those kinds of things on Father’s Day, but Barid says most people don’t think about those things until they are in crisis mode.
“I would say about 85 percent of what we do is crisis planning, so people come to us, and they already know there is a problem. … It’s usually a situation where dad fell and now he’s in the nursing home or he’s at home and needs care and … (they) aren’t sure where the money is coming from.”
When looking at elder law cases, he helps families find ways to pay for long-term care, which often ends up being public assistance such as Medicaid or veterans benefits through the VA, he said.
But most people don’t know where to start to help their fathers. Barid’s advice is to start with simple tasks and then build to more personal, legal matters.
Don’t be a stranger
Barid says information and awareness are the first step to planning for your father’s future.
“Do the things your mom always told you to do: call, visit, check in,” he said. “If you are calling on a regular basis, it will help you to detect changes in your father’s behavior.”
Perhaps you’ve noticed dad’s memory isn’t what it used to be or his attention to detail is a little off. Barid says close family is usually best in spotting those changes, but you will want to proceed gently with how you address them.
“Dad is the leader and takes care of the business, and now he feels that he can’t. That’s a huge identity crisis, and he may not want to let on or tell you about it.”
Barid says it’s important to help by finding little things to do.
Maybe you notice your father is having trouble keeping up with housework, the yard or jobs around the house. Think about paying someone to do those things for a Father’s Day present.
“Just say, ‘Dad, we always get busy and we have a lady who comes in and cleans up around the house and she’s great. If it’s OK, I’m going to send her over to your house as my present to you.’”
Other helpful gifts include lawn services, laundry services, dinner or meal delivery or coupons from children or grandchildren to help do these services personally. This extra help may be a lifesaver for an aging father who is secretly struggling to maintain control of his life.
“If dad will start accepting help like that, he might start slowly accepting help in more significant areas like adjusting legal documents or setting up new powers of attorney,” Barid said.
From a legal perspective, Barid said it’s important for adult children to legally help manage his affairs when they get to be too much, and it’s important to remind dad that the documents will only be used when needed, which can help avoid embarrassment.
“ … You can then say, ‘Dad, you have a power of attorney and you put mom in charge and mom passed away four years ago, and now no one is in charge and God forbid something bad happens and you’re in the hospital and you can’t pay the bills, and I can’t deal with the insurance company or your bank on your behalf,’” he said.
Barid says other options are guardianship or conservatorship, but those are a public court process.
“It’s an open courtroom and someone is being declared incompetent,” he said. “That can be a really emotionally difficult thing, and while it may be ultimately be necessary, a simple power of attorney might help you avoid that route.”
He adds that a health care directive is also a good idea to go along with the power of attorney.
A health care directive details health-related decisions that dad would make for himself, but he just puts someone in charge of making sure those decisions are carried out.
Debunk misconceptions
“A common misconception is that someone else has to make those decisions, but they are just executing your decisions,” Barid said. “Like taking someone off life support — dad made that decision, not the kids. They can execute it and know that they are just doing what dad wanted. A good elder law attorney can help with that.”
There were major changes in the trust and probate code in 2010, so it may be time for your father to take a look at his will and make sure it is up to date.
Another incentive for planning is making sure your father is qualified for the right benefits before he needs them. Veterans of World War II or the Korean War most likely need those benefits now, especially if they don’t have long-term health insurance.
Barid said many veterans qualify for VA benefits that could give them about $1,000 to $2,000 a month, tax free, but they may not even know that option is out there.
Children can help their fathers get connected to these benefits by having a good elder law attorney get the proper documentation in place.
Track down benefits
A good attorney can also help link veterans to programs the VA doesn’t advertise.
“Those kinds of things may be as simple as just getting dad to come in and talk … and do a simple review of legal documents,” he said. “And then at end of discussion, a good elder law attorney would know the right questions to ask. … Bring your son and daughter if that makes you more comfortable — a lot of people do that.”
Barid said most half-hour reviews are free.
Reviews can also help educate your father and the rest of the family.
“One of the most common misconceptions is people think if they apply for Medicaid, then Medicaid is going to come in and take their house,” he said. “That is not true. … Or they believe Medicaid will take all their money. There are income and eligibility requirements, but they don’t take homes.”
He said he sees many people who also believe a power of attorney is lock solid. That’s also not true.
“There are different types of powers of attorney,” he said. “If you have one that was done 10 years ago, the odds of it doing what you wanted it to do are pretty slim. The more detailed it is, the more likely you are to have success with it. The age of the power of attorney also has an impact.”
Barid suggests looking into a trust instead. A trust is enforceable, and a bank can’t refuse to let the trustee have access to those funds.
Advice to approach dad
With hope, your father has everything in order, and you can avoid having this conversation with him. But if you have to approach the issue, Barid has some advice.
“Sure, some people are afraid to approach their fathers,” he said. “I’ve seen different reactions. Some dads are really controlling and are clearly the patriarch of the family, especially when we start to see problems.
“…Use this article as the impetus. Say, ‘Dad, I saw this article in the paper, and I don’t think anything is wrong with you, but it struck me that I never ask you these questions, so how about it? Let’s talk. What’s going on? How’s everything going? Could you use help? I’d like help you if you need help.’
“Take the softer approach. Communication is the key. … You don’t want to create the wrong impression, so start with the regular contact. It’s just a nice thing to do any way.
“If you can’t — maybe it’s not that kind of relationship — then you have to ask the harder questions and say, ‘Let’s talk about this, but you can push the responsibility on an attorney or say you read the article.’
“Just don’t be judgmental. Just say, ‘You always took care of me, so if I can help you, then let’s do that.’”
For more information on Father’s Day gift ideas for aging dads, contact Barid at 912-352-3999 or go to www.smithbarid.com.